Why don’t men commit? Part 1…Women Cheat too.

That is the worst question I’ve ever heard in my life. You should have been given an idea of that in the “Monogamy vs. Bachelorhood” article. At 30, it seems I’ve only heard women say that their relationships ended badly because of the guy’s inability to commit or do what’s right to keep the relationship going. That’s just plain garbage.

Physical monogamy is just unnatural. It doesn’t really exist in the animal kingdom and even some species of birds (who I’ve always been told are monogamous) are only socially monogamous.

The male birds are raising some other pimp’s chicks.

It’s not impossible but it has to be a conscious decision.  I am not out chasing women. Let me rephrase. I am not chasing women based on what I call “skirt chasing”. I’ve just not had a girlfriend in awhile. That doesn’t mean I am hopping beds every night. I just don’t want to jump into a “relationship” like that just yet.

But I am tired of the non-committal indictments. Women cheat too. What’s worse is women never say they cheat because they wanted to cheat. They’re always pushed to cheating.  “My boyfriend does not pay attention to me”…or…”he is always out with his guys”.  “He doesn’t try anymore”.

So it’s o.k. to commit but cheat when you feel you are unfulfilled???

There are some concessions that can be made on both sides. Women you’re not always the victim. I’ve been cheated on once and was not really trusted in the very next instance.  After that my next ex didn’t really appreciate my efforts (that didn’t “drive” me to cheat on her though).  She and I have since resolved, but I digress.  What have I been since then? A devout member of the Clooney Church of Bachelors.

(Editor’s Note from P. Swagg: Let the church say Amen)

A female friend of mine gave up the tapes.  She said women fuck around too.  Some of her friends have had long time boyfriends or husbands and philandered. This is after I asked her what she thought about men avoiding commitment. I decided to google female infidelity and what do you know…I found a website called womensinfidelity.com.

WORD????

So you want me to commit so that you can go through the four stages?  Keep it.  Marriage as it stands today is a fairy tale, religious convention. I feel like someone watched the movie “Unfaithful” and thought, “I am glad she cheated on her husband”.

Women deserve to get theirs too.  Yes, you do.

And I am all for being that guy to give it to you!!

Nah……as much as I hate marriage, I would never disrespect it.  If people are going to try, I don’t want the karma of being the splackavellie.  God bless you if you wanna try.  But all guys are not bad.  It just depends on where you catch them in their life’s path.  And here’s the flip side that no one ever mentions.

It’s the same way with women…

Maybe our paths cross at the wrong time.  Who knows?

Most of my female friends get heartbroken when they sleep with a guy and the guy bounces out before settling down. I always think to myself you wouldn’t feel that way if you just treated it as an act. I guess men “feel” and think in physical terms; women “feel” and think emotionally.

This post ended up as more of a rant than anything else.  Hopefully my next post will be more formalized. Truthfully, I wish I had the DVD of “Waiting to Exhale” right now so I could piss on it. I am still bitter about being subjected to that garbage rather than seeing “Rumble in the Bronx.”

Until Part 2

T. Hustleman

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Rodeo Clown of the Month…

X gave it to me…nullus.

Artsy folks are a little different I suppose. My degree is in English though you probably couldn’t tell by my writing.  I am a part of that slightly different crowd of artists. Life is a little more about feeling things out and drawing conclusions. I take pride in being a non-conformist which is why I don’t revel in negativity on how other artists handle their lives. Each person should carve their path in the way they deem fit.

That’s fair.

What I cannot get down with is just plain fuckin’ up.

DMX, get the fuck man.

What’s really good? I bought the “It’s Dark and Hell Is Hot” album, and it was good. Since then though, I can’t even really get down like that. Now, you’re in court more than a bailiff. I go to Bossip.com religiously and X holds them down. It’s not for me to pass judgment but at some point somebody has got to sit this guy down and ask what’s on his mind.

I googled your boy and found an article at MTV.com.  Check out what was in the related stories:

And this is outside of the animal cruelty case, driving without a license, identity theft and so on and so forth. The reason I found that article is because Mr. Simmons dropped the “F” bomb at the hearing. This is almost as good as freestyling to the Phoenix reporters after a hearing there. At one point does one say, “I am fucking up.”  Obviously it takes more than drugs and scrapes with the law. I should have known something was wrong when he shouting his dog, Boomer out on tracks. How did I not see it coming when he was talking about losing his mind and slipping and falling. He had the dog tattooed on his back and I still thought he was just a little out there. It makes me want to re-evaluate my music choices. How do you get arrested six times in one year?

It’s August.

Did he set out to average one per month?  Shit, if that’s the case…step it up.

I can’t relish in another man’s misfortune. Some people deserve what they get and I can’t say he deserves it. I don’t know him as person. Hopefully, he gets real help of some kind. You’re 37. By today’s standards, you’re technically 27 (if Jay-Z was right and 30 is the new 20).

Shit, treat the dogs right at least…

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PART 2 - How to talk to pretty women

Let’s talk about attraction for a moment.  In order for some men to fully understand where I’m going here I have to deconstruct some ideals first.

1)  Attraction isn’t a choice.

I repeat…ATTRACTION ISN’T A CHOICE!  As humans, we don’t consciously choose who we feel attracted to.  It just happens to us. And you can’t convince someone to feel this powerful emotion.  We do choose who we want to marry and things like that.  But animal attraction isn’t a choice.

2)  Attraction doesn’t make sense.

When you think about the concept of being emotionally attracted to another person, it only “makes sense” that you should feel attracted to good qualities like niceness and honesty and loyalty, right?  Sorry to be the one to tell you this but attraction doesn’t play by those rules. The things that we are attracted to don’t make logical sense when you look at them.  We all know that attractive women seem to date a lot of jackasses.  Seem strange?  Let’s see if this scenario seems familiar:  Ever dealt with a woman who says what they think when they’re asked a question…but they tend to act on their emotions when an actual situation presents itself?  Trick question.  Of course you have!  Women are built that way.  There’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just how it is.  The same goes for attraction.  Women say they want a nice guy but feel for the asshole.  It’s like junk food versus healthy food.  You know you need healthy food but Snickers is still making money!   Understanding these things is your path to enlightenment young Jedi!

Now you may be asking yourself, “Well gosh Seymour, how am I supposed to talk to pretty women?”  If you are saying that, stop reading and ask the closest person to smack you for saying gosh.  I can’t hold your hand for the rest of your life so hear me now and understand me forever.  Here are a few pointers that should help out.

1) Stop being “nice” to attractive women when you first meet them. This means no asking women out all the time, no “special” gifts, no dishing out lots of compliments, no putting your needs aside, and no giving women special treatment or privileges just because they’re attractive. NOTE: I did not say to treat women badly. I’m just telling you to stop doing all the fake things you’re doing just to make women like you.  If you actually get into a relationship there will be plenty of time for that.

2) Stop giving women your balls on a platter. In other words, stop giving away your power to women. Do not communicate in any way, shape, or form that you will put aside your own self respect in order to get a woman’s approval.

3) Say the word “no” to a request from an attractive woman at least once every single day.  Don’t do it in an angry, mean, or Ike Turner-like way.  Just simply say, “no”.  Which reminds me:

NOTE: It’s OK to say “no” in a serious tone, and then do the thing she asked after making her sweat a little. Sarcasm and humor, if it done right, will earn you big points.

4)  Learn how to use sarcasm and humor right!  You need to master being funny and a little cocky at the same time.  Too cocky, and you come across insecure and arrogant.  Too funny, and you come off as goofy and stray dangerously close to the friend zone.  Believe it or not you need to bust on them a bit.  Don’t go hard.  Don’t tell her that her mom is so fat that she jumped in the air and got stuck.  Tease them about something you can tell they made a point for you to notice.  Whether it’s a fresh ‘do, a nice dress to accentuate a figure, or whatever.  Let her know you notice with a little joke.  Make a joke about her being attracted to you.  Pretty women aren’t used to this and their interest is piqued immediately because it is new territory.  Plus, who doesn’t like to laugh?  It is universally understood that women are attracted to confident men.  Also widely known is that humor also attracts women.  Well 1+1=2 right?  NOTE:  Remove the phrase, “Oh, I was just kidding” from your vocabulary.  You have to tell the jokes with a straight face for maximum effectiveness.

Follow these rules and you should have more success meeting the girls you thought you had no chance with before.  Remember that I am just attempting to get you in the game.  If you blow the lay-up that’s on you.  Or if you two hit it off and decide to take it to the next level…I don’t know…watch Oprah or something.

As always, I leave you with some wise words that encapsulate the spirit of the article.

“Bitch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and, scary enough, even your money. It’s a disease…”  A Pimp Named Slickback

S. Monet
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How to talk to pretty women

Alright fellas, its education time again.  I’ve noticed a steadily growing trend that direly needs to be addressed.  Men turned to complete invertebrates when in the face of a pretty woman…if not spineless then definitely firmly outside of their comfort zone.  I will be the first to admit that a pretty face and a smile is one of the more intoxicating things on the planet.

Point granted.

However, obsequious flattery will get you labeled as “the nice guy.”  Trust me when I say, you would rather be labeled a leper than be known as the nice guy.  I’ll explain later.  The crux of this issue is the belief that somehow immensely hot women need to be treated “better” because they look better.

Mistakes number one, two and three.

Yes, a slightly different approach needs to be taken but not necessarily one that is going to classify you as a wuss.  Before we begin I want to be clear that I am not attempting to be a relationship counselor, I am just trying to get you to a point where you can increase your success rate with at least getting the gorgeous girls phone number.  Learning her and keeping her satisfied is all on you buddy.

Call Dr. Phil for that shit.

Now you may be asking yourself, “Who the hell is Seymour Monet to tell me how to get chicks?”  That is a fair question that I will answer thusly.

Because I’m S. Monet bitch!  Stop asking questions and listen!!

Seriously though, I’ve been desensitized in a sense.  The female side of my family (including Mom dukes) consists of beauty pageant contestants and winners.  I’ve seen men turn into puddles in front of them.  I’ve gone to dinner with Aunts where random men offered to pick up the check.  I’ve gone to clubs with cousins and been let in free.  These men thought they were making an impression by going above and beyond.  What they failed to realize is that this is the norm for gorgeous women.  Special attention is what they are used to receiving therefore it won’t leave an indelible impression.  Also, I am not an asshole but I did play one on TV (aka in college) and I’ll be damned if I couldn’t tell the difference in my success rate.  I’m no expert but I know a little bit.

Let me start by being clear about the type of woman I am talking about here.  I’m not talking about cute or attractive. I’m referring to the woman that makes you think “she must have a boyfriend” or “she must be stuck up” at first glance.  This leads me to my first point.

Surprisingly, most overly hot women don’t get genuinely approached as much as you would think.  I’m not saying that they don’t have choices, mind you.  When I say genuine, I’m talking about something more than a wink or grin.  For an attractive woman, every smile, every kind gesture, and every favor is in one way or another viewed as interest.  While some guys will take themselves out of the race before it starts.  Another percentage shoots themselves in the nuts by letting these thoughts usurp their confidence before they get to “hello“.  What they do get an abundance of is the guy that thinks “hello” isn’t good enough.  The guy that thinks he needs to impress her right off…the guy who continually tells her how pretty she is….the guy who feels the need to let her know that his world will revolve around her.  These are the worst mistakes ever, solely because of the “Pretty Woman Phenomena.”

What is that, you ask?

It is the reason you need my help, hairy palm.

It sounds daunting but the PWP is quite simple really.  Even though they aren’t, all babies are treated as the cutest things on the planet.  When girls reach toddler age the games begin.  At just about every turn they are told how cute and beautiful they are.  This is followed closely by either a gift or some other positive reinforcement.  So, they begin to attach their self-worth to their looks.  As they age, the compliments grow in number and the actions grow in frequency.  This affects each woman differently.  You will either have a princess, bag lady or a Cadbury crème egg.  The princess expects to be treated royally initially because she knows nothing else.  The bag lady develops issues because she thinks that her looks are all she has.  While the Cadbury egg acts like a bitch initially to scare off the punks she doesn’t want to turn down, even though she’s the sweetest thing on the planet (aka her soft and creamy middle).

Eventually though women will become numb to compliments and special behavior because that is all they have ever known.  Look at it like this.  If you keep fucking up with your girl and you always say “I’m sorry“, after awhile, “I’m sorry”, loses its power.  If she’s heard it her whole life then approaching her with, “you are very pretty” is the same as “hey, I’m a master of the obvious!  Wanna dance?“  Most times it won’t work.

So what does work??????

Well this is where things tend to get a bit tricky…and this is also where I take my leave.  Now that we’ve laid the ground work, stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow.

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A few moments in a guys’s mind…

Damn!

Do you see how she is moving that thing?!?  Bouncin’ that thing?!

She reminds me of Lisa.

Damn!

Me and Lisa had our issues……….well………several issues, but she was a tiger in the sack!!  She was definitely the best.  You know I bet it could work now if we tried it again.  I mean we were both a little immature and we’ve both grown up since then.

Maybe I’ll call her…

Yeah I’ll call her.  That make-up sex would be off the chain!!  She’s probably sittin around thinking the same thing as me.  How could she not be?!

No she didn’t just bend all the way over and keep it bouncing like thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat….

…………………………….

…………………………………….

Ahhhhhh…

*wipes off.  presses stop on DVD player.  rolls over and closes eyes*

Hell nah I’m not calling her.  Lisa is crazy as hell!!!

————-

A few moments in a guy’s mind………when he sees a chick that looks like his ex in a porno.

————-

Yeah…they’ll be more of these.

–P. Swagg

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Just DON’T Do It

When I decided to write about this I wasn’t attempting to create new Man Laws (even though it might end up that way) but I firmly believe there are certain things men just shouldn’t do.  In the spirit of Preston’s “Deal Breakers” article, here are just a few things that piss me off.  This is going to be a running list, so feel free to add away and this just might turn into a new set of Man Laws.

Don’t wear suspenders AND a belt.  I applaud you trying to diversify your wardrobe but they serve the same purpose jackass.  Do you wear mittens and glove…….genius?

Don’t leave that big ass tag on the sleeve of your suit.  Fine, you might have spent good money on it but let that be understated.  Cut the billboard off your arm!

Don’t order expensive drinks loudly at the bar.  I promise she doesn’t care that you “only drink Hen-dog!”

Don’t cross your legs at the knee.  Unless you are a pimp or The Iceman this is the worst look ever.  Just don’t do it.

Don’t bad mouth another man behind his back.  Haters will be haters and this will never change.  But this reeks of btichassness and women can spot it.

Don’t under any circumstances burn a steak on the grill.  Sear the hair off your forearm before letting a good cut of meat char.  No excuses on this one fellas.

Don’t (EVER!) sing a song louder than your girl in the car, shower, house, or bedroom.  Furthermore, never put your finger to your ear while singing either.  You aren’t auditioning for American Idol and this also reeks of bitchticity.

Finally I’ll say, please stop lying about dumb shit guys.  If you are trying to get out of a ticket then fine.  Don’t tell chicks you throw parties with Diddy.  Stop saying you own 3 businesses.  Stop saying you are getting your house “built.”  Just stop…please?

So, leave your comments about the things you think guys should cease and desist immediately.

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Welcome to Atlanta…

Sorry we missed you yesterday. I was traveling from LA over to Atlanta. I’ve been accused by some people of being a web Nazi, because I post everything on this site and don’t let my partners touch the code. But come on…any webmaster will tell you messing up their code will result in death…and Haight, Hustle and Monet are my boys. I’m not trying to take them off this earth.

Plus I’m not cut out for hard time…

Random thoughts as I traversed the country.

Hey Lady who was traveling with her granddaughter and couldn’t speak English — here’s how it works:

I understand that you want to sit with your little granddaughter. Nobody can blame you for that. But you want to find HER SEAT and then just take the one next to her. Then when the person whose seat you’re taking shows up…that’s when you use your broken English to repeated exclaim:

“Please. Granddaughter. Sit with Granddaughter”

Here’s what you DON’T do:

Take whichever two seats you fuckin’ feel like taking. I mean why piss off two people when you can only piss off one? You shouldn’t need a translator for that should you?

Yo Atlanta!! What’s crackin’? It’s been a while since I’ve been here…and I’m not saying that the airport is a microcosm for the city or anything…but on this trip it seems like I saw fewer chicks with fat asses and way more gay men.

Hmmmm…..

Not that there’s anything wrong with either (well I’d appreciate more ass, ladies…). Just making the observation. I’m probably just behind the times in Atlanta.

I’m here to visit the fam and catch this little family reunion we’re doing. I have very little family in Cali, so I try to get back to the home coast when I can. This weekend of family and food is gonna set me WAY back in the Merchant’s Biggest Loser.  But don’t get it twisted…

I’m still going to win.

We’ll be back at you bright and early Monday!! Have a great weekend and check out the new Dear You — It was like one of those investment commercials.  I.M. Haight saw himself 30 years in the future while getting some gas.

Peace,

P. Swagg (Web Nazi)

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Musings on Bachelorhood vs. Monogamy

I believe physical monogamy is unnatural but emotional monogamy is essential. For men, these are separate parallel forces which eventually intersect. For women, I believe they run almost unilaterally.

I think innately women seek out security while men are raised to believe they can handle anything.

I feel a man is more likely to commit when a woman exposes his vulnerability but compliments the vulnerability by filling the void. This restores the security in a man’s mind.

Why run the bases when you can just stay home???

Why commit when the woman won’t leave anyway?

Share your thoughts on monogamy.  Is Tobias right on or way off?

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Hey Fellas…

I have refrained from answering any “ask a guy” questions because I believed my brand of truth to be a little scathing.  However, when I saw this question tossed around in the comments I had to jump on it.  I hope this is informative and entertaining…and gets some of you ladies the lick of your lives.

Q:  How can a girl/woman convince the non-conforming male to give head?

A:  First, I concur with Preston’s original reaction.  WTF??  They still make that model in ‘08?  For the record I looove the “Australian kiss” (think French kiss but down under) for the response you get and the fact that I’m just generally freaky.  Now, being selective is a given, I understand that.  But not going down at all??

Inconceivable!

I see my help is direly needed and apparently not a moment too late.

Answering this question is difficult because I have to assume some things and I hate making an ass of myself.  I am going to answer this assuming that we are talking about a guy you are in some sort of relationship with and not just a serviceman.  You can’t ask for much from meat slingers except meat.  I will also assume from the “non-conforming” part of the question that you have already come out and asked the guy.  Please don’t underestimate our one track minds.  If you don’t tell us that there is a problem then we think everything is non-lumpy gravy.  The final, and most crucial, assumption is that you are following proper hygiene rituals.  Even the freakiest seafood lover will run from spoiled trout.  That leaves us with one of two types of guys, either he’s selfish or a prude.  Let’s deal with the selfish guy first because I believe the prude to be rare.

As crass as it may seem the only way (besides straight leaving him) to deal with the selfish guy rests solely on your head placement.  Before you get your Vickie’s in a pickle let me explain.  The selfish guy is almost cocky in the sense that he believes his penile work to be enough to satisfy you.

Silly, silly men…

You are going to have to attack this guy.  Attack his ego by letting him know you aren’t satisfied.  Attack him sexually.  If you aren’t giving him head, then start.  If you are giving him head, then stop.  Let him know why things have changed as well.  You need to be aggressive because he has lasted this long with going down.  He will have to be convinced that this will benefit him in some way shape or form.

The prude, surprisingly, is going to be easy.  He just needs his world opened up.  He most likely is interested in satisfying you in all facets but looks at cunnilingus as nasty or too freaky.  Ease him into it by introducing new elements here and there.  Watch some porn together, touch yourself in front of him, touch him in the movies, AND wake him up to a BJ.  I promise in no time he won’t tell you no to any request.  I know I damn sure wouldn’t!!

Finally, I want to talk to the fellas reading this real quick.  If you are the type of guy this deprived young lady has run across, understand that the game has changed.  Women can and will get what they want somehow, someway.  I’m not saying you need to start grooming every cat in town, but you certainly need to be licking the kitten at home.  That is all.

I.M. Haight

Gotta question you’d like answered…ASK THE FELLAS

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God Bless America…and Brazil

Yes, I am a sports junkie. In a normal year,I would be in a drought for my fix. From August to June, I overdose on NFL, college football, NBA, and college basketball and I can’t get enough. My DirecTV lineup now includes ESPN Gameplan and Fullcourt, but this year I may re-up the Sunday Ticket and NBA packages. Before the two latter packages seemed like too much for one man, but in the game of life, are they really? I think not. Yes women, I am that guy. Tobias is the guy who stops by a park and watches youth league games just to see competition. If God blesses me with children, my children will have headbands and fresh Nike gear replete with fresh throwback J’s (Jordans). No, I will not interfere or be a boisterous parent because my pops did not do that. It would be a built in fix for my need though.

Why give you this preface? Under normal circumstances, I would be gearing up from a cold start for football season. My fantasy football drafts would normally be the jump off for my fiendish needs Before this though, my fix would come from random soccer events, Formula 1 and Indycar racing, and of course baseball, but this is an Olympic year. My mind is subjected to what seems a limitless amount of competition. Today I watched fencing, rowing, women’s gymnastics and track and field.

*SHAKING AND SCRATCHING MY NECK RIGHT NOW!*

O.k. so it’s a little overboard, but let’s check to see if there are other values to watching these sports. I’ve learned a little more about some of the human rights offenses in China, the oppression in Chinese media, earthquakes, Tibet, and pollution. More positively, one can see that the Chinese fans love U.S. Basketball, good competition, and put on the most amazing spectacle I’ve ever seen in the opening ceremonies. By the way, did anyone see the commercial with the Chinese kids fighting over the McNugget? I watched that commercial with the same awe as I did “Enter the Dragon.” As much as politics should not be apart of the Olympics, there is no broader world stage. There is an unspoken (maybe it is more pronounced) rivalry between China and the US in the medal count. In one of the shooting events, the competitors from Georgia and Russia embraced and their countries are at war. Conversely, this same bitter political feud produced tension during a women’s beach volleyball match with the Russian team refusing to acknowledge their Brazilian born competitors as Georgians. There is much to be seen besides sports.

But it is about the sports so here are the moments that have grabbed me so far:

• Michael Phelps is a beast. He swam 17 times, won 8 gold medals, and set 7 world records!! I haven’t swam 17 times in the last 5 years. Phelps did this in around a week’s time. Amazing…

• Usain Bolt may have done something even more amazing. Bolt broke the world records in the 100m final in a time of 9.69. World records are broken all of the time, right? Well, he broke the record after celebrating the last 15m and his left shoe was untied. He put on perhaps the most freakishly overpowering performance I’ve seen by an athlete. Oh by the way, he is 21 and this isn’t his best event. That would be the 200m. Check out Jim Caple’s article at ESPN.com for his pre-race prep).

• Our women’s gymnastic team won the silver medal but I actually choked up watching Alicia Sacramone fall on the balance beam and floor exercise. It is really tough to face disappointment when it’s just your friends, but there is a potential for a billion people to see your failure. Though she didn’t medal in the vault in the individual round, it was good to see here recover.

• Women’s Volleyball–both beach and indoor…Hey, I’m just a man. Google “Brazilian Beach Volleyball Team.” Nuff said.

• Some of the Chinese gymnasts are NOT 16.

• After watching the male gymnasts on the rings, I am convinced I would tear every muscle, tendon and ligament on the rings. There would be probably be a groin tear from the fall I would have and the unplanned split performed as my dismount.

My opinions on the Redeem Team will be held until I see the medal round. The boys look good so far, but I am going to knock on wood.

As you can see, I do have a problem. Anything with a point and scoring system will catch my interest. Heck, that’s why I watch Iron Chef on the Food Network. My vices are sports, women, and alcohol, but then again, aren’t these most men’s vices? Don’t expect me to get the sports smack yet. My first fantasy draft was friday which puts me on the long and winding path to NBA finals in June of 2009.

Pardon me while I crack a beer and watch the women’s 100m final.

–Tobias Hustleman (El Toberino if you’re into the whole brevity thing).

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