Truth Merchants

I.M. Haight 19 August 2008 Relationships 283 views 7 Comments Print This Post  Email This Post

I have refrained from answering any “ask a guy” questions because I believed my brand of truth to be a little scathing.  However, when I saw this question tossed around in the comments I had to jump on it.  I hope this is informative and entertaining…and gets some of you ladies the lick of your lives.

Q:  How can a girl/woman convince the non-conforming male to give head?

A:  First, I concur with Preston’s original reaction.  WTF??  They still make that model in ‘08?  For the record I looove the “Australian kiss” (think French kiss but down under) for the response you get and the fact that I’m just generally freaky.  Now, being selective is a given, I understand that.  But not going down at all??

Inconceivable!

I see my help is direly needed and apparently not a moment too late.

Answering this question is difficult because I have to assume some things and I hate making an ass of myself.  I am going to answer this assuming that we are talking about a guy you are in some sort of relationship with and not just a serviceman.  You can’t ask for much from meat slingers except meat.  I will also assume from the “non-conforming” part of the question that you have already come out and asked the guy.  Please don’t underestimate our one track minds.  If you don’t tell us that there is a problem then we think everything is non-lumpy gravy.  The final, and most crucial, assumption is that you are following proper hygiene rituals.  Even the freakiest seafood lover will run from spoiled trout.  That leaves us with one of two types of guys, either he’s selfish or a prude.  Let’s deal with the selfish guy first because I believe the prude to be rare.

As crass as it may seem the only way (besides straight leaving him) to deal with the selfish guy rests solely on your head placement.  Before you get your Vickie’s in a pickle let me explain.  The selfish guy is almost cocky in the sense that he believes his penile work to be enough to satisfy you.

Silly, silly men…

You are going to have to attack this guy.  Attack his ego by letting him know you aren’t satisfied.  Attack him sexually.  If you aren’t giving him head, then start.  If you are giving him head, then stop.  Let him know why things have changed as well.  You need to be aggressive because he has lasted this long with going down.  He will have to be convinced that this will benefit him in some way shape or form.

The prude, surprisingly, is going to be easy.  He just needs his world opened up.  He most likely is interested in satisfying you in all facets but looks at cunnilingus as nasty or too freaky.  Ease him into it by introducing new elements here and there.  Watch some porn together, touch yourself in front of him, touch him in the movies, AND wake him up to a BJ.  I promise in no time he won’t tell you no to any request.  I know I damn sure wouldn’t!!

Finally, I want to talk to the fellas reading this real quick.  If you are the type of guy this deprived young lady has run across, understand that the game has changed.  Women can and will get what they want somehow, someway.  I’m not saying you need to start grooming every cat in town, but you certainly need to be licking the kitten at home.  That is all.

I.M. Haight

Gotta question you’d like answered…ASK THE FELLAS