Why You CAN’T Be In Love BEFORE The Sex…
September 24, 2008 by J (Preston)
Filed under Relationships | 1,503 views
First of all, thank you to everyone who swings by here and reads the site. Even more thanks go to the people who comment. It really is a cycle. I inspire you to share your thoughts and opinions on a subject. When you do it inspires me to write even more. That’s exactly what happened yesterday. Here are a couple of excerpts that precipitated this article.
Swag, I am going to have to disagree with you on this one! If that was the case, a chick that blew your mind and sucked your heart out would be the girl for you. But when true love comes into play, that’s when you sit back and think to YOURSELF (not even realizing it)….about how good of a wife and mother she’ll be… –Silkie
And one more while we’re here:
…but seriously, I’m in love, or at least “in heavy like”, long before any sex. First of all, this is all beyond the physical. For me, it’s about the interaction and communication. If I can vibe with a woman and we don’t have any substantial problems, then I can see myself falling in love… –Anthony Taurus
Anthony — I couldn’t agree with you more. In fact, do you want to know one of the MAJOR tests I put possible girlfriend candidates through?? The girls I’m feeling a little bit…but I’m not sure if they are wife-type material… Do you know what I MAKE them do??????
Nothing.
Nothing at all! If I can just lay around with you on the couch or in my room. No plans, no topics, no agendas…and just chill with you. Feel absolutely comfortable and happy just shooting the shit with you. Then you’ve just taken a HUGE step forward in the my book.
But that’s still — as Anthony so eloquently put it — just “heavy like”. The fact is, if your “in love” you’re probably in a relationship (I should hope…if not then you’re just a stalker aren’t you?). And no matter how you look at it, a relationship can be divided along 2 lines…
Physical and Emotional
Now here’s the thing that will blow your mind… Those two parts are EQUALLY important. But everybody writes the physical part off as if it’s a minuscule part of the equation…
I can teach a man how to please me
If he’s got everything else we can work on the physical stuff
Stop that.
Ladies close your eyes and think about the last time you rolled over…sweaty…looking up at the ceiling…breathing heavy…with an ever so slight smile you just couldn’t wipe off your face…took a deep breath and thought….
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go ahead……I’ll wait.
Yeah, try teaching some sexually incompatible fool how to do THAT.
I know that since this is coming from a male writer they’ll be a natural inclination to want to keep a grain of salt handy. “A guy writing about the importance of the physical side of the relationship….how original”. Sure…being a guy makes me biased…but it doesn’t make me wrong.
If you haven’t had any significant physical interaction with a person, then HALF of the relationship still hasn’t been explored? How can you experience half of anything and claim to know it…let alone LOVE it. Physicality is important…even more so now that we’re living longer and old heads are poppin Cialis like flintstone vitamins. Time will still take it’s toll on us, and eventually the physical side of the relationship will change. Surely hugs and kisses mean more to our grandparents who no longer have sex.
But what if they couldn’t hold hands? That’s still the physical side of the connection.
Unfortunately, I’m down to just one grandparent…but I know for a fact that my grandmother would trade anything in this world to hold my grandfather’s hand again…if only for a few minutes…even if they couldn’t say a word. Tell me that’s not the physical side of a relationship…
1 person + 1 person = relationship.
Relationship = 2 parts.
No Sex (physicality) = 1/2 a relationship…
1/2 a relationship cannot = REAL LOVE
–Preston
(I told you there’d be math!)
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lol Brother Preston. I have to disagree with the amount of weight you put on sex. I do think it’s important but not half. I mean half is a lot. We have to remember that sex is also something that can be worked on.
It’s like one of my exes. She was wack at sex but she was also a virgin. We can’t expect too much from a virgin, right? Let’s just say the first time wasn’t so great and even left me a little out of commission for a while. I broke up with her in 2000. 8 years later I still haven’t found a girl who could suck a **** like she sucked my ****. Woooooooooo. I mean the relationship was going bad in the final stretch but those head skills kept me around a good 6 months. LOL.
I’m just going to have to agree with the physical relationship being pretty frigging important. Being able to converse and connect emotionally, that’s just as important, but I wouldn’t stay in a relationship that provided me with that if the sex was wack. Period. There are times when after a stressful day at the plantation, I don’t so much want him to listen as I want him to blow out my back. Then after a quick nap, we can talk about it. Just to be clear, though, I will not stay in a relationship just for the sex if there’s no emotional connection. Before I’m intimate with someone, I’ve already confirmed the emotional connection. (Most times anyway. Occasionally, a girl has had needs) And if the sex ends up being bad, well, he’s going have to be terminated. I don’t want to approach sex with someone filled with dread, but with sheer abadonment.
Your idea of ‘love’ is OK, but maybe a little limited. What about love between a man and women where there is grave illness in one partner — no physicality allowed? Must love vanish?
Still, if you are only talking of the concept of love that you have in your own mind, then pretty much anything you say would be valid for you.
The ancient Greeks had several different kinds of love. How about love of parents for one. If I maintained that you can’t love your parents without hot sex you would think I’m crazy, or evil (yes, my evil twin brother over at Kegare.org might agree with that one)
Anyway, Thanks for the message.
the definition for love is on point for me.
Preston…lets redo that math please. SMH
I don’t think sex weighs in at 50% though I know a lot of people will beg to differ.
What about people who abstain from sex before marriage? Are they not in “real love”? That leads me to another question (which i’m going to blog about on my site right after I leave this comment…lol): How do you know when you’re in love or “real love”?
I threw the word “Sex” in the title because…ya know…this is a blog…and everybody clicks on that title…LOL.
But allow me to clarify a bit — To the points Jim & LLM make:
The point I mean to make is that the physical side of the relationship really is half. That’s why I mention my grandmother…or for another example…ask any two people who are truly in love and have to be apart from each other because of work, school etc…a real long distance relationship where both parties are TRYING. Of course they miss the sex…but they’d tell you that they miss their loved one’s touch…their voice…their smell…or just waking up next to them. It’s just my opinion but all of that…the PHYSICAL essence of your partner really is half the relationship. It is part of the physical side of things.
Jim — For the purposes of this blog…I’m not touching family love between related people. I KNOW there’s NO math that could explain MY family!! And I’m sure I’m not the only one…
Reina — That’s ALSO what I’m talkin about baby!
Anthony — It all seems to come back to head doesn’t it! LOL…
hmm..
I agree with you Pres nothing I can really add..But for the people that don’t agree, What first attracts you to someone? It’s not their good conversation, or their happy go lucky attitude…it’s something pyhsical, nice eyes, pretty smile, cute ears (what?) it always will be something physical. So why can’t sex be half of the equation, when what atrracted you to someone is half of why you like them?
*follows LL&M over to her site*
Diggin’ the debate, however; U begin with the issue of sex defining the physical aspect and end with holding hands as being a physical aspect. R U referring to sexual activity as the 50% or INTIMACY, that may not necessarily be sexual. Such as, holding hands.
This post ROCKS!!!
Preston - when you put it that way i understand why you would consider it to be half the relationship. That’s all apart of showing affection though isn’t it? that’s why i say you should redo the math. emotions play a bigger role in love than sex or “the physical”. physical can be broken down to sex and showing affection (which can be emotional too)…but touching and holding hands, hearing one’s voice is all apart of being affectionate.
When it comes to emotions you have: trust, sense of security, the connection between you two (which can be physical as well), sense of loyalty, and overall happiness. so many things play a part in the emotional aspect of real love.
Sex is important but it’s definitely not have the relationship.
AT - you are out of control…smh…i don’t know what else to say.
Bahama - hope u like it.
CCGroovy - well said. that’s what i was trying to say. holding hands and all that good stuff is a form of intimacy (as is sex) but more so a form of affection.
So let me read between the lines Preston. You saying that within a relationship, 1/2 of the relationship is physical? So not necessarily sex, but physical which includes how a person looks, their body,eyes, face, etc. Also incuded in that would be their style (how they dress, how much makeup they wear on the reg) , their voice (underrated esp if you hear some annoying whining voices compared to a sexy voice) and just their physical being. Adding into that sex (which could make up to 35-40% of that half) and you have the whole 1/2 of the relationship. Note, most of this could be “worked on”, even sex but if sex is to be worked on it would take a humble man AND woman who can communicate effectively and he honest and not hold grudges (and probably watch their fair share of pornos!)
Then you bring in emotional which is actually the hardest part of love/relationship to control. Either you get caught up or you don’t. No matter if the physical is all there (including sex), if the emotional piece isn’t there, you lose. It can even make the physical part better! Emotions are so hard to control and so natural and pure … you can’t fake it. Why do you think people stalk each other and go postal when things don’t go their way. It is hard to control emotions. Something about those adrenal (sp?) glands.
And re: do nothing part … I read somewhere (and I can’t remember exact words), but a true friend can sit beside you and say nothing at all but you have just had the best conversation.
@Mirth - * claps hands *
“but a true friend can sit beside you and say nothing at all but you have just had the best conversation.”
soooo true.
the emotional part of a relationship is critical. you can’t fake it. you can try and hide it but the feelings are still there. that’s what i’m trying to get at. sex or the physical CAN’T POSSIBLY MAKE UP 50% OF “REAL LOVE”…
I believe that when you love someone you love ALL OF THEM. you can’t say I love you BUT i can’t stand the way you dress. I wish your eyes were hazel…you’d be the bomb then! nah…it doesn’t work like that. If you have those type of qualms then 9 times out of 10 you’re not in love…yet. It’s not until you’re past that foolishness that you can truly say you’re happy and in love with that person (every aspect of them)….IMO
Um, so basically Mr. Swagg, just about everyone thinks your math is fucked up! LOL
Silkie — what are you reading? I’m winning them over. I thought you had the mind of a guy in there. I’m disappointed…
Yeah, after you went back to soften it up a little bit! Some chick must be workin’ to lock you down or something LOL Guess AT is about the only left holding it down for the brothas! LOL
I hear you though………..
@ Silkie
You right about that! LMAO
Preston is a special breed and AT is the last of a dying breed! lol
WHAT???? I’ll neither confirm nor deny that anyone is trying to lock me up (or is it lock me down?). And you can’t prove anything either way…so…that’s all I’m gonna say about that…lol
And what’s all this “softening up” jazz you talkin Silkie? I extended a mild compromise…I thought you ladies liked that =)
compromise is good but when you’re wrong…you’re wrong. LOL
thanks for the comment on my site. you know I had to respond.
yeah…had to slide in on this one cuz ya’ll know i love grown people debates…
ahem…by physical, i think intimacy is understood. All that lovey-dovey stuff we humans do in a relationship is the physical/intimacy thing. I think (for the most part, and fellas please dont gang up on me when i say this) that usually we are not really worried about the SEX we have with someone as much as we are concerned with the physicality of being intimate with the person we’re interested in/in a relationship with. By that I mean exactly what someone said earlier…the touching, the talking, kissing, cuddling, etc…if I couldnt hear my man’s voice all day, but got to bang him, I WOULD not be fulfilled…good pipe isnt a trade-off for him talking to me, teasing me etc.
So to answer the question, I don’t think you can COMPLETELY fall for someone before the sex. Ladies, think about that man you have in ur life…the dream guy that you stumbled upon in a friendship, work relationship, class, whatever…you know the one that’s gorgeous, a great-listener, handy, smart and just swaggerlicious…but not yours per se. Even though you havent bedded him, you have special feelings for him, the things he does for you, and the way he makes you feel. If you NEVER got a chance to get naked for him, you’re feelings wont change…much. If he got you naked AND put it down and was willing to be your man, then the deal is definitely sealed. If he DIDN’T perform to standards, chances are the feelings fade a lil, the platform he’s on is lowered, and the jokes you two tell start becoming a lil harsher because you’re disappointed. Fellas…I already know the ties would be cut with this chick within a few weeks if she aint live up to the sexual/intimate expectations you originally formed…
Humans are physical, men especially. Thats why we get mad when our mates cheat. Cuz the sex seals the deal. Thats why your emotions get heightened when you cross the bumping uglies threshold…its natural and could just be called ESSENTIAL in a relationship…to be INTIMIATE. You NEED that closeness, that familiarity and what not. If you dont think so, see how long you last without sex in your relationship and watch in wonder and your mind starts wandering to other things and PEOPLE…I’m just saying…
@ Silkie
Hey, I am holding it down for the brothas too. I’m just keeping it real on all fronts.
Brother Preston, I don’t know if this has happened to you, but once you have a woman grab yo ass cheeks, pull you up, and deep throat ya “peace maker” like… like… oh good God, Lord, Sweet Jesus, Mary, mother in heaven..
..LOL. Yes, it always comes back to head.
But, yeah you did soften up with that clarification. And, I think you’re right. The physical aspect of the relationship is important to further the total relationship. Actions speak louder than words. That’s just a fact nowadays. You can’t have that “action” without the physical. Words can hold you mentally but not physically although I do give some good phone sex, so I’ve been told. LOL. But, I see what you’re saying now.
Gotta have the physical if you’re going to get some head.
AT….the madness has got to stop! lol
what is it with you and head?
Chelsea…makes good sense. great example used.
SMH at AT…i’m still mad at your comment.
I commented on Urban Blogger before I read some of the comments here. So you cleared up sex part…yes, the physical part of a relationship is very important. But the point can be made that some people don’t need that to fall in love. There’s love at first sight, people who communicate by letters, email, whatever, who haven’t had physical contact.
Maybe love is much more expansive than you believe.
I am sorry LLM. I see your “concern” lol. But, it’s my ex’s fault. She ain’t had to be so good at it.
Ok, so I agree with a good portion of your article, but your logic contradicts itself. By your logic, two grandparents who don’t have sex are not, in fact, actually in love. The problem is that you are equating the physicality of a relationship with sex. The two are not the same. Simple things such as kissing and holding hands do make up an essential part of a relationship, as does sex. However, you don’t need to have had sex to know you love a person, just as you needn’t know every minute detail of their personality and life. You are right that the physical side and the emotional side are both crucial to the relationship, but physicality is not limited to or defined by sex.
i have no idea about where this love affection comes from but it definitely doesn’t come with sex. Or maybe it’s jus me. I never guessed wrong how guy is in bed before it actually happened, so i always look at emotional part first, i don’t need to proof check him on his sexual abilities, but if he can turn my mind on, all the rest is history, i’m just kicking back with him spending good time without sex (taking cold showers LOL) until i’m sure we’re on the same wavelength. But i can’t disagree that sex is very important part of relationship. Once you lost this sex drive, i don’t think love is still there, it gets more like a friendship.
I couldn’t agree with you more. As a married man in my late twenties with 3 kids I and my wife will vouch that the physical aspect of relationships is just as important as the emotional if not more. If there’s no physical aspect when you live with someone then you’re just roommates that share bills. We’ve been together for 8 years and it takes hard work and effort to keep that physical aspect going in between work, kids and the daily grind. Preach on brother preach on!
This is just for the sake of argument BUT what if you introduce the spiritual/religious aspect of this? I do understand everything you’re saying but If a person subscribes to religious beliefs consisting of NO sex prior to marriage, then are they entering that marriage with “No Sex (physicality) = 1/2 a relationship…1/2 a relationship cannot = REAL LOVE”???
I’m just curious about your thoughts?