Truth Merchants

Tobias Hustleman 15 October 2008 Monthly Awards 310 views 4 Comments Print This Post  Email This Post

OJ DID IT!

And got convicted.

The train wreck that is Orenthol James Simpson finally found out that karma is a biatch.  To get off on a double murder rap (you did it too nigga…don’t front!), and then get convicted of armed robbery is absolutely mind boggling. I’ve seen local athletes do stupid things and it cost them their future. You cost yourself a legacy. How do you go from Heisman winner and NFL Hall of Famer to a future thugnificent in the shower dick taker? I mean there are small things in life I could do and it would be considered a catastrophe for me. My car insurance could not be paid. The rent check could bounce. I could even leave the milk out of the refrigerator. None of these are things I want to do at 30. At 60, I don’t want to be a stick up kid. That’s a joke.

Over the last 13-15 years, you’ve racked up stats that solidify the legends of great idiots. You claim you didn’t kill your ex-wife and her boyfriend yet you enlist Al Cowlings to drive you down the 405 at 35 mph. For anyone who has been on the 405 in LA, you will realize that point in and of itself is a travesty. What were you going to do when that thing dumped in the I-5? Ask AC to take you to Jack in the Box for a Jumbo Jack and two tacos?

You beat a murder rap because of Cochran (RIP) and bad DA preparation but lose in the civil case. One has to make ends meet so let’s write a book called “If I Did It.” Nigga, you did do it.

Hey, let’s start a prank show called, “Juiced.” Really? OJ, if you played a prank on me and thought it was funny, I’d cut your nuts off. (Shouts out to Jesse Jackson on that one).

Was it early this year when your daughter duked you out? Isn’t it bad enough you sully your family’s name with idiocy? At least have the courtesy to pick a woman good enough for your daughter to respect.

Now, you’re a convicted stick up kid facing the prospects of being Otis the Molester’s bedmate? Couldn’t you just wait for the next Naked Gun or Hertz Commercial? Meager fare it is indeed but here is where hindsight is a biatch too. DON’T KILL WHITE PEOPLE AND ROB PEOPLE IN VEGAS. BOTH ARE ILLEGAL.

Yes, O.J. you’re a rodeo clown.

To lighten the mood…here are my favorite “Juices”:

1. Jungle Juice, you know the sweet ass juices in the one pint boxes
2. “Juice” the movie and soundtrack. Tupac RIP.
3. Mtume’s song “Juicy Fruit’
3a. B.I.G. “Juicy”
4. Juicy Fruit gum
5. Project Juice…The Legendary North Spencer PJ (Editor’s Note from Preston — Carolina Greensboro STAND UP!!!!)
6. Jamba Juice
7. Barry Bonds
8. The Juice on a sports bet
9. DJ Juice
10. Any of the fruit juices i.e. orange, pink grapefruit
11. Juice Williams, the QB from Illinois
12. Ben Johnson, Marion Jones and all the track Juicers out there

Tobias….I’m out.