You don’t need to be celibate, you need to be selective…
October 21, 2008 by J (Preston)
Filed under Relationships | 628 views
Most women have either done this or know someone who has. EVERY guy has run into this at some point or another (it’s most aggravating when a jumpoff pulls it).
I’m celibate right now…
When a girl decides, for whatever reason, to slow down, put on her flashing lights, and pull the car off the road for a little while. This typically happens after one, or a string of bad relationships/sexual experiences.
It’s also completely asinine and utterly ridiculous. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but this needed to be said. It’s the equivalent of telling the mechanic that you’ve heard a sound coming from the engine, and then watching him walk over to the trunk. You’d look around and think, “what the fuck”?? Well ladies…
That’s what I’m doing right now…
If you are upset with the quality of man you’ve been running into…well that’s a legitimate concern (a sound coming from your engine). So why don’t you realize that the problem isn’t THAT your fucking…it’s WHO your fucking (take your head out of your trunk — pun intended). The key to catching a good man is not between your legs. Don’t let Ashanti fool you! That “good, good” can be found any “where, where”. That doesn’t make you special…and it doesn’t make you better.
YOU MAKE YOU BETTER!
If you want to find a better man, take off the chastity belt and work on YOU! Start by not hitting the same clubs, bars, corners, etc. to find your man. Every place you found a loser…STOP GOING THERE.
Next, be selfish. What do you love to do? What inspires you…motivates you? What have you always wanted to learn about? Figure out what it is, and go do that shit! Do you, girl! Take a yoga class, or a web design class, a cooking class or gardening class. Join a community program or volunteer somewhere. Learn to play an instrument or speak another language.
And that’s when it’ll happen. That’s when you’ll meet him…at that class, or outreach meeting, or music store. And you’ll already be ahead of the game because you have a common interest…a common passion.
I can’t guarantee that he’ll be perfect. Hell, I can’t guarantee you’ll meet a guy at all while you’re doing these things. But odds are…
You will. And if worse comes to worse and no men come of this new strategy. You know what does???
A better you…
–Preston
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I think it’s all bullshit. They just say that shit but the truth is they all got a “mandingo” dude somewhere in the projects that sell weed and is gainfully unemployed or some shit like that. Women just use that bullshit excuse for dudes they don’t like. I’ve heard it a few times and seen the same bitch jump on a bum ass zoobilee zoo lookin nigga dick. I respect that you not attracted to me, just say that. Don’t have me respect you on a lie. There’s a lot of pussy on this planet and YOU ain’t the last bit out there nor are you the best piece of ass either.
That’s the good thing about the way we men think: It’s all the same when the lights are out. Some fellas don’t have a problem skeedily boppin a ol’ orangatangy chick. Unfortunately for me, I’m all about what’s going on when the lights are on. I can’t take a chance breakin a condom and havin project orangatangy babies.
But check it, HER MOUTH AIN’T CHAINED UP. Sup wit that?!?!?
That’s all good and well Pres, but being selective ain’t helping either. LMAO i’m hella picky when it comes to shoes and food so you know i’m gonna be extra picky when it comes to men. And I still can’t meet a decent dude. *shrugs* I put it like this I don’t choose to be celibate cuz I don’t want to have sex, I’m celibate cuz I’m NOT having sex.*you overstand???*
But I do agree with the get out and do things you enjoy and let things happen approach.
*bug eyes out at AT* it’s not all BS, some women don’t have some mandingo waiting in the shadows, i sure as hell know i don’t. And some women really are sincere when they say it, they are trying to get to know themselves better. And if you haven’t notice sex can be distracting..*correction* GOOD sex can be distracting..but it still amazes me how some men think…
It’s definitely not BS when I say it, but I’ll confess to possibly using it too loosely. I’m sexually active only when I’m in a relationship. And when I’m single, I’m celibate. I could have sex, I may want to, but I’m not going to do it. I desire a certain caliber of man, and until he comes along, nothing will be occurring south of the beltway.
I am in complete agreement with your blog and I am applauding. Loudly. I do agree that some women tend to use the vajayjay as a bartering system to gain things (commitment, jewelry, etc.) from a man, but instead of actually changing the type of men they’re dating, they decide to just stop engaging in sexual intercourse but still date the same type. It’s a disappointing circle.
If a woman is celibate and is doing it for herself and not in an attempt to punish the male sex, they receive my applause, too.
That “good, good” can be found any “where, where”.
Spot on, sir.
@ AT — Sometimes we agree. Sometimes we do not. No matter which one it is…you sir…are HILARIOUS! HEE! LARRY! US!
@ Bahama — I just feel like there’s a difference. You’re not being celibate…you’re waiting for a deserving person. Therefore it seems disingenuous to say, “I’m not sleeping with anyone” when some guy you’re not interested approaches. Just say, “I’m not sleeping with YOU”. While AT can be
crazyhilarious sometimes, he’s right about one thing. — Just be straight up about it. “You ain’t got to lie Craig…”@ Reina — “I do agree that some women tend to use the vajayjay as a bartering system to gain things (commitment, jewelry, etc.) from a man, but instead of actually changing the type of men they’re dating, they decide to just stop engaging in sexual intercourse but still date the same type.” — EXACTLY.
I like sports. If I place a few bets and they all go wrong, I’m going to look at my system. What led me to make those picks? Stopping for a month and then using the same broken system later won’t help me. It will only continue to cost…
Wow…Im bout to be all over this one.
Ok…men hate when women are celibate because men love having sex with women. I cant tell you how many time guys try to convince me that I’m ‘withholding the coochie’ and all kinds of other bs. But as I sit and listen to them whine and complain about how I should just ‘go with the feelings’ and ‘be picky’ with the ppl I sleep with, I realize they’re only doing it for THEIR benefit! I’m celibate because sex opens up the door to a whole new array of emotions and ideas. I’m celibate because men and women dont think about sex in the same way as the opposite gender. I’m celibate because I’m nobody’s Cut Buddy. I’m celibate because I dont have time to try men out and see if they have bed skills. I’m celibate because you’re not going to try the merchandise without buying it. I’m celibate because if you run away from me once you find out, then I could guarantee you were just looking for an opportunity to run away eventually in the first place.
Why do men get so upset about this issue. Why is it dumb? Me deciding to keep my legs closed for a certain period of time in order to provide clarity doesn’t make sense? Men act like I was just hoppin on and off random Love Poles since I lost my V-card! I WAS being selective and I kept getting losers and being unfulfilled. If you looking for a chick who’s free with the sex then keep looking.
Cuz Chelsea is keeping it tight and not giving up the cat. Take it how you want and go find a jump off. Thats probably what you want anyway right?
oh and I have been DYING to ask this question…Women outnumber men on earth by at least 10 to 1….depending on where you live, and in the Black community, that number can be as high as 25-30 to 1…so why is lil ol me snatching the cat back with my celibacy vow so damn devastating and irritating to you when stats show that you men can EASILY achieve the nut-busting you truly want in a chick that will walk past u not 8 seconds after I say “No, I’m celibate”? Please riddle me that. Don’t you men always say “what you won’t do…another girl gladly will”? You guys always wanna threaten women with that when they’re not doing something SEXUALLY…make good on that threat and go get the woman who’s obviously not that interested in preserving her sex.
@ Chelsea — It’s early on the West Coast girl!! You didn’t have to come with the thunder so early!! lol…
I feel you. Leaving sex alone for a while to gain some clarity and perspective on your life isn’t dumb or unreasonable. My only point is — before the celibacy break, you were meeting guys who weren’t deserving of your (physical) love. All I’m saying is…if that’s the case, don’t just stop having sex…and then go back to the old things that brought you those losers! If you’re driving down a road looking for something to eat…and all of the signs for the “restaurant at the next exit” look like cheap ass, crappy food. Pulling over on the side of the road to chill for a minute won’t change the signs and restaurants still headed your way when you start driving again. I’m saying…GET OFF THAT ROAD.
Now if you’re pausing for other reasons. If you’re already on a good road…a road to YOUR happiness. A road to YOUR well being…well then YOU…are good to go.
Taking a celibacy break between the dumb ass man you just left…and the dumb ass man you’re going to fall for and give it to 6 months from now is retarded.
All of that said…I don’t think that’s what you’re doing Chelsea. Right?
I’m being celibate because I’m giving myself time to heal and I’m just hanging out. You know I’m really young, so I dont feel there’s a need to be actively searching for a man and all that foolishness and that includes having casual sex. I know that most men think about celibacy along the same lines as you do, and I let them. If you want to think Im dumb becuz YOU dont get to smash then fine. Cuz all you wanted to do WAS smash, so that proves me right and gives me FURTHER evidence as to why I need to keep the Love Locked Down so to speak.
And u never answered my question either. refer to my second post
Well then … i think Preston hit it out the park with this post.
@ Chelsea - sure there is a 10-1 ratio (don’t let me start breaking that ratio down between crazy girls, girl who are burning, girls who are golddiggers, etc, etc …), but the point is we want to have SEX with you not everyone.
Aas for me, if I feel you are worth my time to talk to, spend time with and get to know and then you hit me with the “I’m celibate right now” line … well “eh ….”. I would think you think that less of me that I am only out for some “good, good” from you … But to come with that line would make me feel like you are already coming into a relationship with baggage and control issues and I might just say TBNT (thanks but not thanks …)
I am being selective myself by talking to you and you are going to put up that wall. That wouldn’t make for open communication would it? Don’t blame me for the transgressions of men from your past … you could miss a good thing.
@Mirth
So being celibate and choosing not have sex with you means I’m taking my past relationships out on u and ur sex drive? Yeah…that makes lot of sense.
Dating and looking for love and a committed relationship while ur celibate is retarded. I can understand how men might feel about that. But if I’m celibate and telling you as soon as you ask my name that I dont get down with sex, then I think its safe to assume that I dont get down with relationships at that particular time either.
First, Pres that picture is hilarious and also about to get me fired!
Second, I’ve attempted to be celibate before but it was too hard. (see what I did there??) Seriously, I have tried to go the route of abstinence a time or two. Mostly, b/c of the religious reasons and b/c I believe that you have to try something different if you want something different out of life. Admittedly at one point in my life I was a man whore (check for “Confessions of a Man Whore” coming soon) and that never succeeded in anything worth calling a relationship. So, when I decided that I was going to check for quality relationship worthy women only I also decided that I wouldn’t try to bed them. I won’t say I succeeded, I won’t say I failed. What I will say is that you learn a lot about yourself and a potential mate if you aren’t playing hide the sausage. Will it work for everyone? No. Should everyone try it? Who knows? I do see the reasoning behind it though. Sex does cloud things. If busting is what you want, then go ahead. If a relationship is what you want, then maybe you should try something different than what you’ve done with girls you don’t even want to remember. I’m just saying…the only thing I have a problem with is when women say that they are born again virgins.
Seymour - what is the issue with women saying they are born again virgins?
I see that you said that you have tried the celibacy thing b/c of religious reasons and I’m not sure who/what you serve. But for example, Christians become born again……..it is a spiritual matter. So why can’t there be any born again virgins? It’s a spiritual renewal, and a physical effort too, making a promise to whom you serve (I’m speaking of God) and to yourself that you won’t have sex until you get married.
You have the floor………
Good Post Mr. Swagg! and that picture is um…….TOO MUCH!! LOL
Dayum! I’m late as hell. i can understand why one would be celibate. Just like Preston said, they’ve encountered a jackass or 2 or 3 or 4 and they’re tired of it so they give up sex. I guess they’re able to think with a clear head rather than their judgement being clouded by the sex. It’s not for everybody though and deinitely not for me. Preston was right on point when he said “it’s not THAT you’re fucking…it’s WHO you’re fcking!” I couldn’t agree more.
Don’t forget to check out the new site for grown up discussions yall!
My problem with it is the rampant use of the phrase and its apparent contradictions. I won’t turn this into a religious argument but most of the women who toss that phrase around skip the “born again” part. They just stop fucking and say “oh, I’m a born again virgin.” No you’re not. Was your hymen reconstructed??
I agree with you that once you turn your life over to Christ a new thing is born. But “making a promise to whom you serve (I’m speaking of God) and to yourself that you won’t have sex until you get married” is not being a virgin all over again. You are abstaining until marriage. I am all for the sentiment, just the phrase and its misuse pisses me off. The prosecution rests.
Yeah, lets not turn this into a religious argument, but being born again with anything is not saying you’re something new ALL OVER AGAIN! It’s saying you’ve decided to take a different route and turn from the ways of the old things you used to do and start doing things a NEW WAY - HENCE born again virgin. You are turning from your old ways - having sex before you get married to having sex when you’re actually married.
The prosecution can be put to sleep now……….
I’ll sleep when I’m dead! lol
I’m still going to have a problem with it b/c 99.9% of the time it isn’t used or implemented as you speak of it (which I’m not arguing with BTW). It is used an eraser, a catch all to try and forget/move on from the past…Or to fool some dude into thinking that she wasn’t a jumpoff last month and JUST decided to be “virgins” again. Someone’s relationship with whoever they worship to isn’t for me to question or to judge to see if they are doing it correctly. If you (general) say you are born again (and mean it) then all blessings to you. If you are just turning away from your old ways….say that and not that you are a virgin…again! In my eyes, you are only a virgin once. Period.
Honestly I agree with the idea of Celibacy its a great way to assure that you focus on you and get your head right. Sex confuses things and it makes it hard to get to know the person after you have given someone your 2nd soul.
I myself am actively celibate and yeah sometimes the flesh it weak, but the overall benefit is Im putting me first and I do believe that Im attracting a different “brand” of men. See usually when first indulging a guy and his rap I let it be known after some time has passed that Im not in any position to give up “that good good” any time soon. And depending on the guy either they are inclined stay or leave and its no skin off my back because at the end of it all im still me and at no point was I forced to compromise my dignity
LETHAL INJECTION OR THE GAS CHAMBER, YOU CHOOSE! LOL
I feel you……..I’m just sayin’……
Will you feel me up now - hug? LOL
Awww is this where we kiss and make up? (Please say yes!) lol I do feel you though, but as we’ve mentioned before I think that a lot of the women who respond on this site are rare. Or lying! I kid, I kid. Oh yeah, asking me to feel you up is nothing you will ever have to ask for! We’ll work out some hand signals like baseball!
YYYEEESSSSSSS! (saying it like “KIP” on Napoleon Dynamite!) LOL
Hey, I don’t mind women using they monkey to get stuff. I would just like a set price. I think I commented that way on another one of TM’s posts. Personally, I ain’t one to pay but every once in a while I’ll take a chance and eat some Mexican food too. My point is, you never know how hungry a muhfugga get. Just don’t tell me the pink taco is on lockdown when it’s just a pay toll. If it’s really good, I’ll sign up for the EZ Pass. I’m just tired of making the moves for nothing. That shit is like going to the doctor, sitting in the waiting room for 10 hours, told there’s nothing with you, charged $500 for the visit, and getting home to realize you still suffering from dry dick.
I’m sayin.. fine.. let’s do the date thing. But, after I done burned “x” amount of money, can I look at it? feel a tiddy? get a handjob? get some of that money back so I can buy some Jack Herer (which is what I shoulda done)?
OMG, for real…i had to re-gather myself after that picture. Like I didn’t know what to do. I’m sitting here at work and looking at this picture like…”WTF is going on around here??” Anyway, i just take the philosophy of Pretty Tony from The Mack…
“You know man all bitches are the same, just like my hoes, I keep em broke. Wake up one morning with some money, they subject to go crazy. I keep em looking good, pretty and all that, but no dough…when i get a bitch, i gotta bitch. Remember that mack, “The Bear”, tried to steal one of my bitches. Yeah had to call him up on the telephone i say “hey man come on over to the pad and rappatay on it,” so when he comes over i told her to give him a little taste, cause she sure as shit wasn’t getting none from me. See, that nigga wanted the honey, all we wants is the money!!”
Preach, church, tabernacle.
-Ed.
http://www.edthesportsfan.com
Really Bahama and Chelsea said it all for me.
Whether it’s religion or waiting for the right person or taking a break for self-reflection or because of “bad relationships”, or ANY OTHER REASON, if a woman wants to not have sex, she has the right to do it. Period.
If a man is involved with that woman, then he has the right to start having sex with someone else if he so chooses (a committed relationship will probably have to end first but that the price of playing poker). END OF STORY.
It is strange, yet not surprising to see that some men seem upset with women unabashedly choosing not to have sex.
Preston, although in my previous post, Understanding Men and Sex, I thought I was pretty clear about how men and women see sex differently. At some point I will have to write a more in depth post on how women, in general, feel about sex.
@ Chelsea-
What I was saying if all of a sudden, you meet me and we start dating and you are newly celibate … then yes, something has happened in your past relationships to cause you to not engage in sex for the near future. Otherwise there is no reason you would turn that switch unless you were a virgin coming in.
That is my opinion.