Ask A Guy - Reader Submission
December 1, 2008 by J (Preston)
Filed under Ask A Guy, Relationships | 380 views
Apologies for the absence, but now I’m back like I left somethin’!!! While on our little hiatus we received some reader submissions asking for our take on a few things. This is the first:
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I am single. I don’t meet many men. I am open to it though. I don’t sleep around. I am good people, finances in order, not a troll, etc. There was a guy I met almost two years ago. He travels. All over the world. He was nearby for a year. He was married. He said not happily. I fell for him in a BIG way. Just a typical player……..but my we had fun! GREAT SEX! Laugh! Never have I laughed so much.
He went away. Job ended. Thought I would never see him again. Ok with that. I knew what I was getting into. He came back! Just for a while , but he came back. Another wonderful TRYST! He went away, email funnies etc continued , hey how are ya etc. His initiation. Then he offered up the info he divorced after all. He is NEVER going to be a one woman man. Knew that from the start. I went to see him on the job. GREAT TIMES!!
Here is the question. This man IS a definite player. Many women, all over the world. Yet he calls almost daily, emails alot, mostly funnies, and he is still a very entertaining man. But he says stuff like why don’t you move to where I live, I luvyalotz, which is not the same as I LOVE YOU, as we know. And we talk about all of his conquests, which are mostly just convenient for him. I am planning a trip again to meet up with him. The sex is FANTASTIC, he makes me laugh, he has been with many women since I saw him 6 months ago. WHY is HE getting scared? I love him in a way that is comfortable. He is a friend true and true. he stepped up and helped me with a family matter, so I KNOW he is GOOD people too. I plan to go and have a great time and then go back home. He keeps saying you are really trying to collar me arn’t you, in the same sentence, I can’t wait to see you!
Does a player ever really fall in love? Should I be concerned? I KNOW he is not the man I would EVER marry or commit to, but yet it’s been two years and there is no one else so why not have fun while i can? What exactly makes a player a player anyway? A first girlfriend that broke your heart? Your Mom? Sex with older women at a very young age? What?
What say you?
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OK, so this reader submission had quite a few questions in it. The Player questions we’ll deal with tomorrow. Let’s dip into your dealings with this man.
First, the basics:
Don’t move! Moving to be in a relationship is dicey. Moving to be in THIS type of relationship is crazy.
Your exactly right. If the word “love” is spelled with a “u” or used as an improper noun (i.e. - how are you, love?) it’s pretty much a given that it’s just an affectionate greeting. Ladies, even when it is spelled with an “o”, don’t lose your head. That “luvyalotz” stuff is just ear candy — sounds sweet, but no nutritional value.
I personally think you should keep doing what you’re doing - visit him when you can and let him do the same. Continue to talk, laugh, swap emails and have great sex. Sometimes distance can help cancel out some of the things that can drag down a typical “Friends With Benefits” situation. You’re also being realistic (you know you’d never marry or have a future with this man). So I say keep things exactly how they are.
A word of caution though: HE may fall for YOU. Don’t believe it though. It seems he’s already hinted at it when he said, “you are really trying to collar me aren’t you”. Seems puzzling that he would say that, doesn’t it?? You are not trying to collar him — far from it infact. You pose the question. “WHY is HE getting scared”.
Here’s the answer:
You aren’t like the rest. I’m sure most if not all of the other ladies he has some sort of relationship with, want more than what he’s currently giving. You don’t. You’re cool to chill, laugh, sex, and go your separate ways. Ironically enough, the fact that you DON’T want a relationship will probably make him think he DOES. But this thought will be fleeting. If a man walks into a party and 10 girls are immediately on his dick and the 11th girl pays him no mind — he’s gonna go talk to the 11th.
100% of the time
Who is she? Why doesn’t she want me?
Right now…you’re the 11th girl. Enjoy it, but remember if you fall for any of that relationship or “move near me” crap he’s pulling — you’ll soon be treated like the other 10.
–Preston
Tomorrow we’ll get into the whole, “what makes a player a player” thing. And if anyone else has a question, feel free to email it to: askaguy@truthmerchants.com and we’ll give you the right answer our thoughts…
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LOL @ tryst I like it.
So being elusive and not clamoring for his attention will make him want more of mine? Yet when I began desiring his time & attention, I lose it and become one of the pack? How do you balance that?
I so give up trying to understand the male species
@Reina — In this particular case, we’re talking about the guy who WON’T commit. The author of this letter believes that this man will NEVER be a “one-woman man”, so I’m operating under that assumption. That makes this case is a little different.
With your typical guy, not being like the other women who sweat him will get you in the door. After that, you’ll have to hold his attention and get him to fall for you. A feat I have a hunch you’ve pulled off once or twice in your time on this earth.
@Bahama — Don’t give up on us…lol. We’re not TOO bad!
@Reina & Bahama — Keep in mind this also works in reverse. When the guy becomes boring, mundane, or just like every other guy to the woman, she’ll be out the door as well…
As a female, I found the wording of the letter was very strange.
The “I fell for him in a BIG way.” comment is in complete opposition to the “I know we are just having a good time” feel of the rest of the letter. The repeated mentions about the his great humor and how great of a guy he is and the sex is magnificent and he not married…sounds like the type of things a woman in love would say or type of things that could have a woman completely in love with a man even if he does not live in the same area or is/was a player. Something seems off to me…..
If you are a mature woman who is comfortable having a good time with a mature guy who is not going to commit, what is with all the questions? If he is definitely the kind of man that she wouldn’t marry, what is the concern? Can a player fall in love? Of course, but shouldn’t she know that?
CHOCOLATE CHIQ, YOUR LAST PARAGRAPH TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH. I MEAN WTF IS REALLY GOING ON?! OR YOU’RE JUST ASKING QUESTIONS YOU KNOW THE ANSWERS TO, BUT DON’T WANT TO ADMIT THEM TO YOURSELF.
ok so i have a few opinions…
1) guys are just as complicated as they make most women seem.
2) she says she would never REALLY be with him but finds herself a little confused as to what to do with him? She’s confusing me. If she didn’t want to be with him on a serious level then why the confusion?
3)the “luvyalotz” thing is EXACTLY what Preston said it was. Please don’t mistake this for any real genuine emotion.
I mean i think this chick is a little confused and maybe she’s telling herself that it’s nothing serious because SHE needs convincing. The dude seems to be up front and honest about his shit. It’s clear that she’s seeking some advice as to what to do next when there shouldn’t be a next. It is what it is. Of course players fall in love too. Whether or not they’re open to the possibility is another story. In this case it seems like dude is cool with things being the way they are and if she’s cool with it too then continue to go with the flow. things will progress naturally if it’s something you both want.
I have to admit that he is giving off the wrong signal asking her to move closer. Or maybe he’s asking her to move closer because he wants to be with her and can’t imagine a real relationship with her otherwise. hmmm.
@SILKIE TRICKZ I thought is was just me!
IMO, and in my experience, if a woman is just in it to have fun she will “gush” about the great sex…and that is it.
When a woman start “gushing” about how great a guy is, and how funny he is, and popular he is (which I am going to assume he is attractive) and add on top of this he is GREAT IN BED?!?! From my past experiences with my girlfriends/relatives, she is starting to fall for him.
So my question: what point is she trying to make in the letter?
Is she trying to brag about making a player fall for her or has she gotten caught up and doesn’t want to admit to it?
But this is just my opinion!
Wow! I had completely forgot about this submission of mine—just found the reply(s) cleaning up my inbox and came back to this site. Interesting. All the comments………….
Was there a point to my letter? I am not sure actually. I was curious to see what kind of response I would get. I have always found all people to be a bit of a puzzle and I find it an interesting quest to “seek to understand”. ” People” does include myself. Some curious points here!
Bragging about a player? Certainly not. What is really going on here ? Am I really confused? Perhaps….. What I do know is this. I recently returned from my visit. As always, it was comfortable, loads of fun, and the sex was still great. But more importantly, the level of friendship has grown deeper. We talked about many things, not just superficial crap. I should say HE talked about many deep, personal life things. Is that love? I don’t think so. At least not “the love” we all talk about here. I think it has more to do with trust and feeling like he had a true friend listening that kept him going on and on. I suspect he doesn’t have that much elsewhere. How does that make me feel? Part of me I suspect would enjoy something more. However, being the mature woman that I am, I know there is no way he would ever be capable of a “true love relationship”. Does that make me feel a bit wistful? Admittedly, yes. Thanks for reading and sharing. Don’t forget….live every day like it is your last, because you never know, it might be.
As a woman I find a few faults with this story such as “I’m good people” yet she had “great sex” with a married man. Stop playing, it’s 2009. People get divorced as often as they change socks. So you mean to tell me a man in this day & age that isn’t happy with his marriage isn’t going to end it and is having affairs with random chicks (sorry that’s what you are if you are not his wife) and she believes he’ll change? This is the problem in society. IMO he put it on the table straight with no chaser. Here’s what I hear, “Hi I’m married but I want to fool around. You down?” To which she says, “Of course!” So tragic.