Do You REALLY Want To Hear It?

Did you really want to hear it?

Really??

I don’t think you do…

Historically, I’ve been the awful guy that “led” girls on. Although it never seemed like I led anyone on.

Scenario A:
Guy meets girl and likes what he sees. They hang out, talk on the phone regularly, and one day, the guy gets the infamous question, “So what are we doing?” Over the last little while, he could sense it coming, yet, he continues on because she shags like a minx. Actually, she doesn’t get on his nerves so comfort isn’t an issue. She even watches sports and knows the rules. Alas, the timing isn’t right so a halt is called to the proceedings. Much in the same way Hester had to don the Scarlet A, he now has a bronze “D” for “Dick.” Should he have said he wasn’t looking for a relationship upfront? Yes, something should have been said earlier. The gentleman is probably guilty of leading her on.

Scenario B:
Fast forward and now the guy with a bronze “D” catches up with an old friend who remembers his rolling stone ways. They reminisce and he finally gets the one he missed. The same events unfold as they do in scenario A only he’s grown a bit and maybe considers settling down. The non-committal force is strong with this one. Time passes and the uncertainty starts to bother the young lady. She asks, “So where is this going?” That question hits the gut like a bad Jagermeister shot. He doesn’t want to end things with her but she’s tired of his garbage.

There are other scenarios and they could go on forever. In scenario B, the “what are we doing” question was asked after the state of the union was given.  Full disclosure of intentions were given in the beginning.  Hell she knew about his rolling stone ways.

Sometimes a guy thinks, “I didn’t settle down before. Why did you think I was going to settle down now?” Well that’s not right because I guess you never really know who is going be the one. Sometimes, he just plays it by ear and sees if he can settle down. Until a guy gets to that point of commitment, there are just too many pretty women.

I made the decision to try the upfront thing and it got me to the exact same place…branded with the bronze D. At this point, I’d like to pose the question: What is it that women want to hear when a guy states his intentions upfront? If he says he is not looking for anything serious, then how can you get bent out of shape when he says as much when the question arises down the road?

Maybe that’s the problem: Non-serious relationships should only last a short time.

Guys I know get comfortable and just figure they’ll deal with the relationship question when it comes. Men never want to ruin what they perceive as a good thing. I’d make the hypothesis that women see possibilities when men invest time.

Nevertheless, if a woman really wants a guy and finds him not to be awful, does it really matter if he says he doesn’t want anything serious? I’ve been duped by the sly line, “I’m not looking for anything serious either.” Truthfully, that shocking discovery ranks right behind the day I found out the Jets and Giants play in the same stadium. All those years of hearing the sportscasters say the Giants at Giants Stadium and the Jets at the Meadowlands never clicked. Did I miss the Jets at Giants Stadium line? Did I miss the huge Giants sign at Jets games or something? As ashamed as I am of my naivete in regards to the Giants stadium snafu, I am more ashamed that I fell for the “her not wanting anything serious either” bit.

What comes after being upfront? Do you kick it up a notch and be a dick upfront? Do girls really pay attention to what guys say upfront or does that just make the challenge greater? Could someone offer some guidance?

Sincerely,

A Guy With Questions

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Ask A Guy - Advice For A Lady Pimp

We’re back with another Ask-A-Guy question and I’m happy about the change of pace the question presents. Check it out:

I am currently talking (just talking) to 5 guys. All of them are interested in me, I am really only interested in 2 of them. One of the guys I’m not so into wanted to be my boyfriend the second time we talked! It freaked me out, he had a “timeline” i.e. after we hand out 3 times we can be kissy in public, then after 6 times we will be bf/gf! The second guy quotes Dane Cook all the time and it annoys the crap out of me, and the third guy is 21 years old. I am 27 and don’t want to mess with the going out to the bars acting stupid all the time anymore.

1. Should I give all 5 of them a chance to take me out?

2. How do guys feel about a girl seeing more than one person at a time?

Lady Pimp

(Editor’s Note: I gave this reader the anonymous name “Lady Pimp”. She never referred to herself as such)

Well Lady Pimp,

Nice work! You’re out there looking good, doing your thing and getting attention because of it. Now, what to do with all this attention?!

Should you let all of them take you out a few times? Absolutely. There may be a side to one of them that wasn’t readily apparent at first. Spending a little time and listening to these guys will present a little more useful information. Maybe they have a passion or care deeply about something that you do as well. Ya know…don’t judge the book by the cover…and all that good stuff. Plus, we’re in a recession. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with 5 free meals/outings.

BUT

You should keep the fact that you’re surveying 5 guys at once to yourself. Don’t lie. Just say you are single, dating and enjoying meeting new people. We men have tricky egos. Some guys can handle the knowledge that you’re dating other men besides him with no problem. Others (most) would probably feel some kind of way about it. Maybe it would be a big deal to them, maybe it would be a small one — but it would be “a deal”. They would probably act a little different and if your goal is to get a real look at these guys — this is obviously counterproductive. Plus it’s disingenuous. Again, (most) guys act differently in a competition for your heart than they do once they have it.  If he thinks it’s a competition, you’re probably not going to get a genuine look at who he is.

Don’t string this along for too long, though. Giving 5 guys a tryout is one thing, but once it goes on for a while it becomes juggling. And 5 different guys are a lot of balls to keep in the air (he he he…sorry. I couldn’t resist). But seriously though, when you mess up while juggling you usually drop all of the objects — and one of those objects could be the guy you actually wanted…

I hope this was helpful. Now go forth bravely and pimp!

Peace, Love & Options Galore,

J (Pres)
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Why Men Cheat…

Well…  A few reasons, anyway.  No introduction needed.  Let’s get involved!

1. He was on his way out the door

It’s really one of the worst things guys do (women do it occasionally as well).  We want to break up with you but we convince ourselves that it would somehow be better to be an asshole or let the distance grow until YOU break up with US.

I’ve done it.

Almost everyone I know has done it at least once.  It’s really just a way of rationalizing cowardice.  So one of the things we may do while the divide grows between us is…another woman.  Best case, you don’t find out.  Worst case, you do what we wanted you to do.  An ugly truth…

2. She did what you wouldn’t

You know what?  For as much as I hear this threatened, I RARELY see it enacted.  Here’s why:

You know what kind of girl you’re gettin’ when you get her!

There are exceptions to every rule, but by-and-large when you’re courting the girl (read: doing all the stuff to get her to sleep with you) you know what kind of girl you’ll soon be…umm…getting into.  As a matter of fact, you probably had a good idea of that a short while after you met her.

Fellas, be honest here.  We all know if we’re getting the “Ewww, get that out of my face!” girl, the “Yeah, you can stick it in every hole…” girl or something in between.

Sure, we all know how women may do some things often in the first 90-120 days and then slowly certain acts taper off.  But a romantic gesture and some alcohol will usually get her right back in the saddle

Ya know…if saddles are what you’re into…

But I’ve never seen a woman do some things in the first 90 days and then just suddenly outright refuse to do them anymore.  So here’s my point: saying “I went and found someone to do what my girlfriend wouldn’t” doesn’t really hold up.  You either:

A) Knew how sexually experimental your girl was — and just looked past it because at the time you really wanted to date/sleep with her

B) Didn’t put forth the effort to get her back to doing those things.

Either way this excuse is a cop out — but then again — so is  reason #1

3. He was upset/angry with you

You REALLY pissed him off.  He REALLY wanted to hurt you back.  The long and short of it is you’re dating an asshole.  Revenge is a powerful motivator, but damn.  (unless, of course, he’s getting you back because you slept with someone else…).  Which leads me to:

4. He thinks you’re stepping out

Pretty self explanatory.  In far greater numbers than women — men don’t play the “victim” well.  If we’re sitting at home and think we’re getting cheated on — we’ll have to go f*ck someone…

JUST. IN. CASE.

Either that or stalk you to see if you really are cheating.  Neither of these represents a very good scenario…

We know it’s childish, but you have no idea how important it is for us to be able to say, “…oh yeah?  Well I f*cked Kim” once you confess to cheating.  It’s like that blanket Linus use to carry around everywhere.  We need it…

I know there are several more reasons.  Fellas, why did you cheat?  Ladies, if you’ve been cheated on, what “reason” did he give.  Let us know in the comments and we’ll do a part 2 soon.  Until then…

Peace, Love & Monogomous Bliss (that’s not an oxymoron, right?)

J (Pres)
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Best Hunting Grounds - Weddings

Last week I wrote a post for the ladies about where to find good men.  It was generally well received and I’m glad about that.  But fellas, what about the best places to get some action?  I mean all my readers aren’t looking to settle down right now, are they?  So here is part one in a new series called “Best Hunting Grounds“.  Put simply, instead of the best place to find a good man, it’s the best place for a good man to find some action…because sometimes…that’s really all we want.  Think of this as a public service announcement:

Fellas, if you’re single, don’t EVER bring a date to a wedding.  I’ve made this mistake before when I knew less about the world.  Who knows how much sex it could have cost me?   I’d almost forgotten that weddings are still one of the best hunting grounds known to man.  Let’s check out a few reasons why:

1. You’re dapper

If you’re in the wedding you’re rocking the tux.  If you’re just attending, you’ve got the stylish suit on.  Even if there is only lent in your pockets, you look like a million bucks.  Don’t ever half-ass this.  For the guys still in college, I feel you.  But you gotta work it out.  Sell some books back, or some plasma, but get the fresh cut and drop some money on a new suit.  It will be well worth it.  Weddings are also one of the best places for you to get your cougar badge as well.  I’m just saying…

2. It’s defining

A wedding isn’t the place to bring a guy you just met or are just getting into a relationship with.  They’re sort of a big deal.  This is immensely helpful because a woman without a date is either single, with a guy who was too new to bring (and therefore can be easily forgotten for a night) or has a guy who couldn’t or didn’t go (if she’s mad at him…all the better for you).  Occasionally the girl has a good guy who just couldn’t make it, but that’s the exception…not the rule.

3. Dead giveaways

She’s up to catch the bouquet, you’re probably good.  I know, I know…everyone who isn’t married gets up to catch it.  But watch how her girlfriends act.  There’s always a single friend(s) they’re making a larger than normal fuss over.  In fact, it’s one of the few times that…

4. Women will help you sleep with their friend

There’s the bride, a few of her friends who have boyfriends and then sweet little Vanessa whose asshole boyfriend dumped her a few weeks ago. All too often, (after a few drinks) they come to the conclusion that what sweet little Vanessa needs is some dick.

And there you are, dancing with the flower girl, looking like new money.  Her friends (who are no doubt experiencing a champagne induced elation) can’t wait to hook the two of you up.  It combines all of the things they love: Alcohol, match making, guys, wedding romance, alcohol, great stories and…alcohol.  (I mean have you seen women tipsy off champagne?  It’s one of the best things the french ever gave us).  Weddings are one of the few times that girls are equally fine with finding their friend a man, or a man for the evening.

And may God bless them for it…

5. She’s probably staying at a hotel

Do I even need to write anything more here?

So you’re looking sharp.  She’s already thinking about a “union” of some sort.  Her girlfriends are tipsy and looking to help.  There’s free food, music and booze and things often end back at a hotel.  All of these things combine to make Weddings one of the best hunting grounds known to man…

Peace, Love, And What We’ve Built Here, Let No Man Put Asunder,

J (Pres)
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The “Other Woman” Checklist

We compiled a few things guys often do to their chicks on the side.  If you have any doubts about your position in his life, grab your pencil and go through the list.  As always, you can send us an email if you have any other questions or if anything needs clarification.  So without further ado…

Let’s get into it!

Have you met any of his friends?
This one can be a little misleading. For a few years I lived with my best friends. We all rented a house. You had to go through the living room to get to the master bedroom, so you eventually met all of my friends and some of their friends by default. Let me be clear. THAT DOESN’T COUNT. What does count is when you get a call like, “Me, and a few friends are going here for the weekend” or “All of us are going out to dinner and I’d like you to come”. Inviting you to interact with the friends is good – you meeting them on your way in and out of his house… is not.

Are you giving it up on the reg, or whenever he asks?
And don’t lie to yourself and think things like, “well I was horny too, so it worked out”. Be honest when you answer this question. Does he always call you for sex? Do you always say yes? Is there any doubt as to whether you are his official girl? Tough questions but answering them will give you plenty of insight.

Do dates or gifts only precede attempts to get you naked?
Does every date end up back at your place or his? Then there’s a reason for every date. That sounded harsh, but it’s true. If you’re not my girl, but I know you’ll be my girl for the night after dinner and a movie…well then that makes things easy. I know that not every man is exactly the same, but here is something we can all do. Simple addition. If dinner + movie = commitment free sex – we’ll be doing our homework often.

Do you text more than you talk?
Tell tale. Another harsh reality and ladies I’m POSITIVE you experience this one as well. Sometimes you’re pretty, great in bed and BORING/ANNOYING on the phone. We don’t mind being seen with you and LOVE pulling your panties off with our teeth – if we could just install a mute button on you, you’d be perfect. So what’s the compromise? TEXTING! I’ll keep this real simple. I’ve never truly wanted to be with a girl, I didn’t want to talk to. Sure guys get tired of talking on the phone quicker than the ladies…but texting should always be less than the talking.

Do you always have to leave a missed call or voicemail for a call back (i.e. he never picks up when you call)?
He’s with another girl. Were you expecting more explanation here? Sorry… There is none.

Blockbuster nights or he cooks…
Anything to stay in. I’ve seen the cooking bit executed to perfection. The girl was thinking that it was sooooo romantic that he loved to cook for her. In actuality he just didn’t want to take her out. He was a chef at a restaurant downtown. As anyone in that profession will tell you – you become friends with the bartenders and waiters at your place and then you become friends with the bartenders, waiters and chefs at surrounding places. If you begin sleeping with one, you’re whole network soon finds out. This makes bringing new chicks to any restaurant in damn near your whole city a little tricky… So he cooked for his ladies on the side at home and they all LOVED it. It was pretty brilliant actually. Here’s the moral, ladies. If you aren’t seen with him, you’re probably not with him…

No title
Baby, things are great the way they are. Why do we have to go putting a title on it? One of my favorites. I used this one to DEATH…and I’m still astounded by the success rate. Here’s the dirty little secret. I used this on EVERY girl I knew I was NEVER going to get serious with but REALLY wanted to continue sleeping with. I’m sure that was just me though…

Peace, Love & A Delicious Home-cooked Meal,

J (Pres)
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Chivalry And Why I Don’t Open Your Car Door

People nowadays often ponder whether chivalry is still alive; whether it’s even necessary?

Our first date: I open the car door for you.

Coming out of Target together six months later? Probably not…

So the question was asked of me: Why did you do it in the first place? Why did you open that passenger-side car door for her to begin with? Because you were trying to score? Because mom and dad said it was the right thing to do?

Ironically enough it took me a while to realize the answer. It’s such a common and habitual gesture that I never really thought about the “why”.

So here’s my “why”.

It’s not so much that my mother told me to do it – it’s more because she told me it’s what “good men” do. I grew up watching many men reinforce that statement, the most important of them being my father. So that’s why the door is opened on first dates and beyond. Because I try to be a good man and if I’m interested in you, I’d like for you to see me as such.

You know what else Pops is big on? Team! It’s why he NEVER paid me for chores or babysitting my little sister. Sure he’d give me money when I asked for it – but he always made sure to keep the two separate. His philosophy is that we’re a family and everyone does their part. I’d get speeches like:

I work hard every day. When I come home I don’t expect you to thank me because there’s food in the refrigerator and all of the lights come on when you flip the switch. You know why? Because I’m Dad – that’s my part. Your mother works and comes home and cooks and makes a great home for you and your sister. Tonight I’m taking her out to show my appreciation. You’re going to stay here and watch your sister. That’s YOUR PART. When she goes to the grocery store to buy the food that your greedy ass eats the bulk of—yes you carry ALL OF THE BAGS. That’s YOUR PART. I don’t ask you to chip in on the electric bill or the food bill…I ask you to do your part. I’m not paying you for that!

And he wouldn’t…

Here’s my point: I’m probably not always going to think of you as my lady on a pedestal. There are times when I’m going to think of you as my teammate. My partner. My best friend. Because you are also all of those things. So when we’re coming out of Home Depot with some paint for your new apartment – we’re a team. When we’re grabbing some last minute groceries before we have people over – we’re a team. If we’re pushing one of those big ass carts out of Ikea for our new place – we’re a team. So I don’t go into the whole chivalrous gentleman thing at that time because I’m seeing you in a slightly different way at the moment.

But I’m still your man, and you’ll never lose your pedestal. You’ll always be wined (figure of speech, I know you don’t like it) and dined; vacationed, treated and pampered as often as I can provide it…and more. Because that’s my part…

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Ask A Guy - Is He Just Not That Into Me?

Hope everyone had a good weekend. Today we get right back to it with a reader letter!

I met this guy in late February and we’ve been talking ever since then. I really like him and I want to say that he feels the same way about me because of the seemingly sincere intimate moments we shared together (no sex). We are college students so we were able to see each other and spend time together but now that we are on summer break we only communicate through text messaging (I prefer to talk over the phone but I don’t want to invade his comfort).

For me, texting is ineffective; we never get anywhere. When I try deepen the conversations he dismiss my feelings as a lie; he’ll reply back “stop it” or “i don’t believe you” and I would reply back “stop what” or “why” and he won’t reply back to me on that day. Then a week or two ago I asked him if he missed me and he said no (I took it as a joke because in my head I’m thinking that if he didn’t miss me then he wouldn’t stay in contact with me). I asked him why and he said because I don’t miss him and I said how do you know that, you never asked me. So he asked me and I said yes and he said how much and I said a whole bunch and I didn’t hear from him until like a week later.

I’ve never had to deal with a difficult guy because they were so open to me but he is so complex and complicated; I like him but feelings fade and I am beginning to let go. The only reason I am still holding on is because I reminisce over the times we shared. I want to believe that he likes me and maybe i embarrass him when i try to make our conversations more personal? He text me “hey” the other night and in my head i’m thinking wow this dude is really funny. When we were texting I tried to get him to realize that I was not thrilled with him but he just doesn’t get it. Is he really clueless? Or simply, he’s just not that into me? Should i let my feelings for him fade?

–Fading Fast

First off, thanks for coming by the site and trusting us with your question. I’m sorry this post wasn’t up earlier–I got the flu this weekend and it’s kickin my ass! But I’m hopped up on DayQuil now, so let’s go!!

The most disturbing thing about this letter is that when you told him you missed him a lot, he got ghost for like a week…

Not good.

College definitely creates these dual personalities within a lot of people. You’re one way with your “college friends” and another way when you are back home for the summer. It sounds like this is what is going on with your guy friend. He was really sincere when he was with you on campus but now seems very different. My guess is, there may be another girl back in his hometown. If he spends as much time with her in the summer as he did with you on campus, it would explain why he never calls and barely texts… he’s with her.

Nothing takes your mind off one woman quite like another woman.

Relationships won’t get taken to the next level via texting. So text him and ask him when he has time for a call. Call him at that time and let him know exactly how you feel and what you’re looking for. His answer/reaction to this should tell you everything you want to know. If he doesn’t have time to take the call, then that will let you know plenty as well.

Good luck and please let me know if I’m wrong about the other chick. I hope that I am…

Peace, Love & The Next Level,

J (Pres)
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Ask A Guy - Should I Be Pissed?

Today we delve into another reader’s question.

I have been seeing a guy who swears he is only sleeping with me, tells me he really likes me, even talks about me moving in(in front of his guy friends!) but ignores my texts and calls randomly! I was out with a mutual friend(female) and he was texting her, but ignoring mine! Am I over exaggerating by being pissed off by this?

–Possibly Pissed

There are some interesting things at work here.  You are right for making the “talks about me in front of his guy friends” distinction.  That’s significant.  Importance is a transitive property.  If you are important to him — then the important people in his life will know about you.  So that’s a good thing.

Texting the female mutual friend while ignoring you…???

Not such a good thing.

Did you guys have an argument or fight at that time?  Text messages can often be misconstrued, so if I’m angry or annoyed I’ll usually just avoiding sending them at all.  That would explain his replying to your mutual friend and not you.  Also, how friendly have he and this “mutual friend” been in the past?  And did he know the two of you were together when he was answering her and neglecting you?  Let’s break it down into 4 quick scenarios.

1 - He was upset with you over something AND HE DID know you two were together.

He’s just being petty and vindictive.  Something you said or did pissed him off and he’s ignoring you in front of her to “get you back”.

Diagnosis — TALK!  If you two have come to the point where he wants you to move in and is cool discussing it openly with you and the fellas — then he probably really cares.  Find out why he was upset — if you were upset, tell him why and the two of you should be able to get past it.

2 - He was upset with you over something AND HE DID NOT know you two were together.

Probably the same as #1.  He was mad at you, so he didn’t text you.  He wasn’t mad at her — so he returned her texts.

Diagnosis — Same as #1  TALK!

3 - He wasn’t upset AND HE DID know you with her.

He’s not that bright.

Diagnosis — You should be pissed.  Find out what was said in the text message conversations.  Act accordingly…

4 - He wasn’t upset AND HE DID NOT know you were with her.

Sounds like he might have been trying to creep or at least flirt a little bit behind your back.  Nothing about this scenario seems very good.  If this is what happened I’d love to hear his explanation to you about it.  50 bucks says it’s HILARIOUS.

Diagnosis — find out if this was some crazy movie-like misunderstanding.  When it isn’t…  Bounce.

Peace, Love & A Plan With Unlimited Texts,

J (Pres)
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Why Did He Lose Interest After The Sex?

It’s the same ol’ story.  He seems like a good guy.  You sleep with him…  And soon after, he turns into Casper.  Why???

Ummm…  What else was left to do???

Sorry.  Poor joke.

There are several reasons why this may occur, but I’m going to delve into the 3 most frequent.  Let’s get into it:

3 - The Sex Was Atrocious

Now you may be saying, “Atrocious?  That’s a little harsh isn’t it?” — No.  It’s not.  We’re men.  We love sex (not saying women don’t).  We spend inordinate chunks of time thinking about how to get it, from whom we’ll get it and in what position(s).  If we’re willing to walk away from someone who’s proven they are willing to give it up…well then…yeah, it must have been some kind of awful.  And I don’t mean a little awkward position change or poor sucking, riding or kissing technique.  Those we can coach each other through (and have fun while doing it).  If he bounced, things must have been unspeakably bad.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

The good news is, this is pretty infrequent.  Would you like to know what happens more often?

2 - It’s All We Wanted

Yeah, sorry.  All too often men go into predator mode.  We see you — think you are sexy as hell — dream about doing unholy things to your body — annnnnnnd that’s where the dream ends.  Although, it’s 2009.  Women have definitely caught on to the “conquest” game.  That’s very nice to see.

So this was the reason that needed the least explanation.  I know every woman has heard about or is personally familiar with it.  I know you were also thinking that would be the number 1 reason.  Not so much.  Here is the number 1 reason:

1 - YOU changed

All too often that “crush” or “infatuation” or “mild liking” of a guy goes into high gear after some good sex.  Let me use an analogy:  You know how people say “I was drunk” isn’t an excuse?  They say that whatever you said or did was already in you — the alcohol just amplified it or brought it out?  Yeah well good sex does the same thing with a lot of women.  Territorial-ism and Clingy-ness are traits you often see amplified after 1 or 2 exceptional bedroom (or kitchen or couch or bathroom….you get my drift) sessions.

I’ve experienced (and I know MANY men can vouch) scenarios where the young lady and I both described our situation as “dating”, “chilling”, or “getting to know each other” — but after some good sex it became “who is that new receptionist”, “where were you last night” and “how come I haven’t heard from you in the last 35 minutes”.  For the record, there are many men who do the same thing, and their numbers are rising — but that’s mainly do to their feminization.

To be fair, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend more time with a guy or take things to the next level.  But going from 0-60 is only good if you’re in a sports car.  Ladies think about your last jaw-droppingly good sexcapade with a guy who was already a solid boyfriend prospect.  Now think about how you acted after that jaw-droppingly good sex.  I dare you to tell me it was exactly the same…

I Wish You Peace, Love & Committment Free Sex,

J (Preston)
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Ask A Guy - Should He Get The Boot?

Today’s Ask-A-Guy question comes all the way from France.  That’s right.  Truth Merchants, International b*tches!

Just kidding.  We definitely appreciate the letters and hope our advice is helpful (and/or funny).  Keep ‘em coming!  Let’s get into it:

I’m a 19y/o african girl living in France and I’ve been dating this 30y/o dude for 3 months now. It’s the first time I really fall for a guy so it’s kind of an event for myself. I’m having issues with our relationship on several points, maybe you can help me out on these.

1) For years, I’ve felt as if I couldn’t connect with anyone on an emotional level; I was sexually abused when I was 10 by my half-brother and had a very tough relationship with my dad I’ve not seen for years. I’ve really been working on my past, and believe I have personally come over it all. However, sometimes when I’m with my boyfriend it just comes back and since I don’t want to burden him with my insecurities, I’m unusually silent, which he doesn’t understand. Do you think I should tell him about it ? Won’t it scare him ?

2) I tend to look up to my boyfriend, because I deeply admire him and believe he’s a good person who brings out the best in me. He has high expectations as far as what a woman should be. Now, in every day life I’m known as a strong person, but with him I seem to lose all defenses up to thinking I’m not worth him. I keep thinking it’s not right to have this constant feeling… but I don’t know how to express it to him without sounding insecure, again.

3) My boyfriend is a very busy, committed, working guy. We are passionate about the same things, which I appreciate about him. But he has so many other priorities, besides me and constantly holds this nonchalent attitude towards me that I have difficulties dealing with. I’ve already told him about this and he’s trying to make efforts but I’m still not satisfied with his twice a week text messages. Moreover, we’ve been living a long distance relationship for a month now which makes his silences and lack of attentions even more disturbing. However, when he does holler at me, he’s so sweet (he knows I like fine words) and sounds so loving that I forget that he’s been sort of ignoring me for a while.

The issue is that his previous relationship lasted 3years and apparently he broke up ‘coz the girl was complaining all the time. Unconsciously or not, this doesn’t encourage me to speak to him since I somehow fear he’ll be thinking I am complaining, whereas I’m barely expressing myself.

Lastly, at this point I’m actually considering breaking up. I mean, I feel single most of the time, that is alone. I’m new to all this real relationship thing, so I must admit I’m lost, very lost. Can you help me out here ??

Thanks a lot !

Love In France

Hi Love In France.  I’m going to tackle this one first and the other Merchants will be by later to lend their perspective.  Here is your answer:

Break-up with him.

I don’t mean to come off like a hater nor disparage this guy in any way.  I’m sure he’s just fine.  But the issue here is you.  You wrote us and it seems you are the one not getting what you need.  He has a nice young girl who is faithful to him even though it’s a distant relationship.  He has his career and he’s pursuing his goals and ambitions.  He has the freedom to just text you for days at a time until he’s ready to talk.

What do you have?

You have a guy who’s not around.  Someone who makes you scared to complain or speak up, just because his last girlfriend did.  You have had traumatizing experiences involving your half- brother and father but you have a boyfriend you can’t share that with.  Relationships require work from both sides and right now you are doing all of the heavy lifting.

That’s not fair.

If your best girlfriend told you she had a boyfriend that she barely saw — could not confide in — and often substituted text messages for conversation — what would you tell her to do?  You are young.  You have so much life to live, so many relationships to go through and learn from and most importantly, so much fun to have.  Don’t waste this time sitting around waiting for your phone to vibrate from his next text message.  You are worth more than that.  I just met you, and even I know that…

But, if you decide to stay, you must at least demand better from him.  You’ve heard me say it a million times on this site — Men Will Always Do What You Allow Them To!  If you keep acting as if never complaining, infrequent calls and text messages, and bottling up your true feelings is OK — then he will too.  I promise.

Thank you again for writing us.  Keep in touch and let us know how it goes!

J (Preston)

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